Doubt. Day 19 of being 25.

Why is it that when I decide on a career and I finally feel like I'm on to something and I see a direction in my life, people find doubt in me? 

A number of people, my best friends mother, my boyfriends mother, my mother and my own Goober have each expressed a concern about my work path. Asking questions like "Tiff do you really want this?" Or "Are your hands even strong enough to handle this?" I don't understand. Why can't people be positive about this? Goober and The Mom Both think I don't really want this. That ill eventually will quit. How am I to feel about this?

Granted, I understand in a year. I hadn't been wanting this forever, like I have other things. But what else is there? I've wanted to be a writer. But that's not happening. Because I don't even have a story. I don't have something I know will make money. I just have passion for it. And my parents always talk about how making money is important. I just don't know what to do. And I'm so mad at people for putting doubt in me. 

I was happy dammit! I  saw a future! A quick way to finish school and have a job that I could enjoy. And now? Now I'm feelings unsure of the plan. How dare they? How dare they take this from me! I really could care less about what I want to do anymore. I know what I want to do cant happen. So now I'm focused on money. Money is everything right now. 

Screw passions. And what I'm good at. It's impossible. I really do hate everyone right now. And it's making me depressed. 

I'm done. 

Cutting this post short. Won't be writing again until I figure something out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vacational Rehab - Day 17 of being 25.

You know, when you wake up and don't get up right away, it's amazing what your brain comes up with and what inspires you. For months I've been trying to think of a job for me to do. Its hard finding work when you have disabilities working against you. and in the past there has never been a job that fits my needs. Unless of course I went to college. Which I did for a very little amount of time. I just couldn't teach myself. and thats what college is for. The Professors give you the material. tell you to study and give you the test. If you don't fully know it, your screwed. in all ways. so College wasn't for me.

Once I accepted that, I had to make a plan. to decide what I wanted to do with my life. and unlike most people had to differentiate what I could do from what I wanted to do. Basically, I had to be realistic, I mean I couldn't go into journalism. That requires traveling for story to story and I can't even drive. So writing was a no go. I couldn't do any computer jobs (Unlike my Goober) Because college isn't for me. So no job that requires college knowledge was in. which doesn't leave a whole lot. I can't stand for long hours, that puts a damper on pretty much any job in the retail area of the workforce. and I suck at counting money because the school teachers didn't think a disabled girl needed to focus on such things when she wants to go to school, and there's not a store in the world without a computer these days to help.

I'm not blaming my teachers. I did know how to count money at some point in my life. but everything I do takes time. counting takes me ten times more the time then anyone else. and with retail you have a line of people waiting to get their change back. No. retail was definately out of the question. So what happened? I was stuck. once again CP had effected my life in a way I hated. for  years I lived with my parents wishing there was a way for me to get out. Thats when I filed for SSI. to which changed my life in a way people will never understand. The Government is a wonderful thing sometimes. even if it's hardly enough I still make it. I saved some of the money I had and I got a apartment on my own. I felt such freedom. But deep inside I wanted more.

If someone lives by themselves with no way to drive and no family around them, over time something begins to happen. Loneliness sets in. Isolated and barely having money for bills let alone money for entertainment, I was 23 and was trying to find a way to make money. Nothing was coming for me. I didn't want to go back to school. I couldn't find a job and even if I did go back to school I wasn't passionate about things I use to be. I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. I imagined I'd meet my future husband at school, someone who'd understand and see past my deformities. But without school there was no way.

Little did I know, God had plans. (Believe me, I understand people who don't believe in a higher power, however, I was raised Christian so..therefore I believe in one.) In came Goober. He worked with my Mother, and for the moment I met him I knew something was special about him. we went through a lot, in fact if you asked me a year ago if I'd be where I am with Goober, I would of laughed and gave you a negative reason as to why he and I would never work. But now we do. He became my world and he didn't even see happening. I wasn't alone anymore, I had my boyfriend. something I hadn't had in five plus years.

So we moved into together. I was finally getting a break in my life. I had someone to help me with the bills, I had someone to keep me happy and loved at night. I had it all. so we decided to move into together and rent a house.. However, now that we have a house, and bills plus to worry about. I've been again thinking of ways to get money. I'm resourceful. That's one of my best traits, I realized at a young age. A survivor. And I was thinking about a few years ago, about this process called Vocational Rehab. This is a very common word among my Disabled conrads. Its to help the disabled find work and employment. so that disabled people can find their place in the community. I was a part of this in a time that I was still unsure of what I wanted, so like most things in my life I quit before they gave me a job, and once I got on SSI. and now? now Things have changed.

A few months ago, I decided on a career path. of Message Therapy. At the time though my boyfriend wanted me to think about it for a little while and not jump into anything but I still believe in my heart its a right choice. Given that I would only need nine months of school. (Hopefully) and I could possibly work from home. (I could also help him with his BMX and muscle injuries. but thats beside the point.) I would be making money. doing something that helps people. I have dreams of me doing it actually. and if thats not a sign that I should be I don't know what is.

So I finally called VR today, and I have officially started the process back up, with high hopes that they will pay for my school and transportation. Which is what their suppose to do. I want to go to The Career Insulite of GA. and finish my classes. I have a meeting to talk about what all VR does on August fifth. Their suppose to be sending me a letter soon with the address of the meeting and other goodies. I'm so proud of myself for doing this. I just told my boyfriend about it and he seems more supportive then the last time we talked about this. I guess because he realized it's what I wanna do and it's not something I'm jumping into. Its a way we can get more money within a year. Because after I finish school, The VR peeps will help me find a job. (Which I know where I'd want to work... but you know that can change over time. it's in Jackson GA after all....kind of far off.) But still! I can get work. and meet friends. and just start my life the way it's meant too.

I find starting a blog on this entry to be a good sign. Maybe things are already looking up for me. do ya think? After all thats the point of VR. it's to immigrate me into society. They really are good at their jobs too, if you keep up with them like your suppose too. Unlike me when I was 20 something. I'm hoping it's better this time around though because I have a goal. I have a plan.

EEK. SO HAPPY.


Bye!

Introduction. Day 16 of being 25.

Hello!

I'm Tiff. Most of my introduction you can find in the 'about the blogger tag' but there is more to say. Right now, I'm currently stuck at my Parent's house. on their laptop thing. (Its actually really annoying because man, the mouse pad--box thing keeps messing with my thumb --actually it's the opposite. :P and it keeps messing up with what I'm trying to say. Grrr! FEEL MY WRATH.) Point is, I'm more of a desktop person. sitting right. No mouse thing to stop me from talking but hey. I'm bored. all my family are either at work or sleeping. I don't drive you see. or else I would be at my own house. while The Goober. (Goober = my Boyfriend Joseph) is at work. (He has the house keys. hints why I"m stuck at my parents for today. till he gets off work.)

Anyways, kind of funny I mentioned the love of my life. Goober. He'll be in pretty most if not all of my posts. Seeing as how he plays a huge role in everything. wither it's all good or bad, it doesn't matter. He's there. being in the center of it.

We have Three months till being together for a year. We live together. He'd abled-bodied/ (AB) and I'm not. I have a disability called CP. (Cerebral Palsy) I also have Aniexty and Depression. (Wanna leave yet? Be my guest!} I'll try to get things light but my brain is naturally in the negative things. I'm a Cancer if that explains anything for you guys. (Zodiac fan here.) and I'm simply a emotional person. sometimes too emotional. (Like lately.) I do have some OCD Traits. not cleaning but the obsession parts. I don't do rituals on a daily basis. Rituals do not reassure me. If they did I would be doing them over and over. but... Basically my mind will repeat things to me over and over and of course they are things that aren't about rainbows and unicorns. usually it's about stupid shit that wont stop. Pictures? Yep. False Urges? Yeah, I hate those the most.

Mostly my Anxiety/OCD these days are about the ones I love and the ones who claim to love me. (If what I stated sounds familiar, and you have 'obsessions' but no rituals please talk to someone. or a doctor. Just because you don't have the rituals don't mean you don't have OCD. rituals can develop much later on. and you don't realize it yet.) usually when dealing with someone with this problem the person, in this case its me, wants or feels the need to have reassurance about the things they worry about. it could be once a week or everyday depending on my level of anxiety. what is hard is after a while..reassuring someone can get tiring. My family and even The Goober get sick of reassuring me of something that I should already know. especially if they just reassured me yesterday or the night before. Heck, I get sick of the feeling of needing it too. It gets emotionally tiring. I have went to many doctors and they all claim that Anxiety and my Depression are all because of Cerebral Palsy. Which I understand to a point. on one hand I think Doctors just automatically blame any illness on my CP without even really checking. on the other, I can see the link between the two. CP is brain injuries. I've been though a lot because of my disability so..sure. why not. It doesn't change though. I have to live with all the problems on a regular basis.

So that's whats a head for this Blog. I'm a complete nut case for sure. I'll probably have lots of posts about needing this and needing that. and wishing things would be different. But I am who I am. I'm 25. I just turned, July 8th and I feel like I'm on the verge of greatest. I'm just not getting there. stuck. (Hints the name of the blog.) But I've learned to deal with these problems over the years. (somewhat...if I have it completely under control I wouldn't need a blog would I?) and I've learned that no matter how hard things are I can't change them. I'll always be just me. Just Tiff. I just need to let things go. and not hold on so much. (again, Cancer.) I hold on to everything these days. holding it all in. not even talking to Goober about it because he hates talking to me about emotional stuff. (He's a man. a young one but still. it's like talking to a angry brick wall.) and every time I try to talk to him, he will pout and get mad and yell and I just needed a place to run away too. and maybe if I write it out to myself, I'll loose some of the dread inside of me. I can finally let go of whats been on my mind. (Believe me there's a lot. and it's not all happy and cheery. which I hate because it makes me feel like I'm turning into my Grandma Moses. UGH!)

This is what I want to come out of having a blog. I want to keep memories. I want to be open and I want the blog to go from black to light. I want to make myself happier by doing this. and if I leave this blog open for viewing I hope I don't become a total neg. (neg= fun sucker) to you. I hope that I can find someone who understands. and maybe share some advice. who knows. maybe this blog is on the verge of greatest itself. maybe it'll open doors to many others that are just like me. Because I don't want to be like the other people with a disability. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be positive. of course changing 25 years of thinking one way is hard. no doubt. but maybe I can do. with the blog. who knows.

I'll end this with a Zodiac Horoscope. (I don't believe them, but I find them interesting. maybe you will too?)

Horoscopes for Cancer on July 16th. 2013. 

You are eager to integrate creativity into your regular routine. 

Its Wonderful to be inspired and express yourself in ways and deeply touch others.

However, its a entirely different story if you have to platform on command everyday. 

turning your art craft or talent into something productive requires the right mix of self-discipline and wild abandon. Fortunately you're able to find the perfect balance between the extremes if you let your intuition be your guide.

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....Whoa Dude, like I said. It's interesting. I hope it means this blog will do well. Ha.


Ciao!